I feel like I need to dig a hole and bury myself in it! I never wanted to go through another divorce again. I never expected to go through another divorce again. He was suppose to be my knight in shining armor. He saved me during a bad place in my life and I thought that it would always be that way. I was wrong. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I don't know what to do with myself. How am I suppose to go to work and carry on like this devastating thing hasn't happened. Yes I am the one who told him to leave. Yes I have proof of why he needed too. But I feel so empty. I have this big whole in me now.
The part that bothers me the most is that I told myself I WOULD NEVER get married again. But I caved. I loved him so much, I thought nothing would ever go wrong. And here I sit...again...by myself. Wondering what I did wrong? What didn't I do? How can I do this by myself? What will I tell my 3 kids happened to their step dad who they admired so much? I'm at a loss. I just want to go to bed and stay there forever. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I have to be strong for my kids. I know that. But I'm tired of having to be so strong. I'm sick of being hurt. Maybe everyone is right... maybe I am better off alone.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
At A Stand Still
The title says it all! I feel like I am at a stand still in my life. I don't know whether I am coming or going....and that feeling is getting old. My heart hurts. I miss my kids! I thought the pain would get easier over time. It hasn't. We just hit the two year mark that they have been staying primarily with their dad. I know it was the best decision for them... but this mommy feels so broken. Now I am having to deal with my daughter calling her step mom "Mama"... and that my friends is like taking a dagger to the heart. I never in my life thought I could feel so much hurt. I understand that she is only three, but that word is going to cause me to go completely insane. It's so overwhelming to hear that one little word come out of her sweet mouth to someone other than me. Especially with what her daddy and I went through when she came into this world. I just can't fathom that he isn't even upset over it. I feel replaced in her life. *Sigh*
Still going strong at the Sheriffs Office as a dispatcher. 12-31-14 marked ten years for me there. That is a milestone in that place. Our common turnover is every two years. But that place is basically my home away from home, I feel safe there. Some of my co-workers and road officers are like family to me. I don't know that could ever leave that place because of them. Its been a rough ten years though.... that place makes me feel 20 years older than I am.
My birthday is coming up next week. The Big 29. My twin sister and I will be having a girls night out to celebrate together. I wish our older sister was here to join. Maybe we should go to G-ville and have her meet us for dinner. Hmmm. Just me and Jessie.
Not like I have a group of girlfriends that I hang with. Wish I did. A girls night once or twice a month would be nice. I know the few friends I so have are very busy people. With jobs and kids... I understand. But having a friend every now and then to talk to over dinner would be nice. Who am I kidding... I know I ain't the friend type. And even worse I get along better with my guy friends then I do females. And that doesn't look good to some people.
I'm to the point now though that I just don't care anymore. I don't walk on eggshells for anybody, and why should I start now. You know?
I feel so much better blogging this today. I needed to release all these feelings somewhere. I feel off. Not sure why. But I'm ready to get back to ME. The real ME. And that isn't a good thing. Because nobody likes the real me... I'm a real B*tch! Oh Well. I get it honest.
I'm tired of all the thoughts in my head. I can't sleep. Which isn't good as a night shifter. All these "What If" thoughts. What if I had taken this road and not that one? What if I had stayed in Tampa and finished school? What If? Where would I be now? Surely not in Perry. Oh Well. Till Next Time!
Still going strong at the Sheriffs Office as a dispatcher. 12-31-14 marked ten years for me there. That is a milestone in that place. Our common turnover is every two years. But that place is basically my home away from home, I feel safe there. Some of my co-workers and road officers are like family to me. I don't know that could ever leave that place because of them. Its been a rough ten years though.... that place makes me feel 20 years older than I am.
My birthday is coming up next week. The Big 29. My twin sister and I will be having a girls night out to celebrate together. I wish our older sister was here to join. Maybe we should go to G-ville and have her meet us for dinner. Hmmm. Just me and Jessie.
Not like I have a group of girlfriends that I hang with. Wish I did. A girls night once or twice a month would be nice. I know the few friends I so have are very busy people. With jobs and kids... I understand. But having a friend every now and then to talk to over dinner would be nice. Who am I kidding... I know I ain't the friend type. And even worse I get along better with my guy friends then I do females. And that doesn't look good to some people.
I'm to the point now though that I just don't care anymore. I don't walk on eggshells for anybody, and why should I start now. You know?
I feel so much better blogging this today. I needed to release all these feelings somewhere. I feel off. Not sure why. But I'm ready to get back to ME. The real ME. And that isn't a good thing. Because nobody likes the real me... I'm a real B*tch! Oh Well. I get it honest.
I'm tired of all the thoughts in my head. I can't sleep. Which isn't good as a night shifter. All these "What If" thoughts. What if I had taken this road and not that one? What if I had stayed in Tampa and finished school? What If? Where would I be now? Surely not in Perry. Oh Well. Till Next Time!
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Time Slowly Passes By
So Its Almost March! And I am going absolutely stir crazy. I have been out of work almost two months. It was some much needed time off, and I needed it for this neck and back pain to re-coop. But OMG I am sick of sitting at the house. I hate that I wasn't working when Deputy Lundy got shot. I feel like I should have been there. He is recovering well. I am thankful for that. I can't wait for him to get back to work. He is truly a hero to us all. He saved a lot of lives that day.
I have made a lot of progress on the baby shower coming up next month for Lindsey. I do believe it will be awesome. We are going to have a candy buffet like she wanted so that will be neat. I just hope it is to her approval.
The kids are getting soooo big! Ethan is like a little man now. He's 7 going on 30! Preston has been good every time he comes to the house. We got him his very own Kindle Fire for his birthday. He told me I was the coolest mom ever. That was a awesome feeling. Aiden Leigh in 2 going on 21! That Diva there is going to be the death of me. She is so dramatic here lately. I love it! She knows she is mamas baby! She gets away with everything! But she loves her Mardis more than me. Seth is her favorite person ever. She doesn't ask for me when I pick her up from school. She asks for Mardis, and then her Bubbe (Ethan). They don't miss a beat when they get together either. I hate it so much for all my kids that they don't have each other every day. It isn't how I wanted them to grow up. But I am thankful that they don't seem awkward with each other when they do finally get to all be together. Its an awesome feeling. I love hearing those 3 sets of feet running through the house. It has been an advantage with all this time off... seeing them all EVERY weekend rather than every other weekend.
Seth and I have crossed a path of trouble lately. But we have seemed to have worked it out and our relationship seems stronger now. I hope so anyway. I didn't realize exactly how much I loved that man until this bump in the road. I don't want to lose him. He's my everything. He's my soul mate. And I would be lost without him. He is the glue that holds me together and keeps me sane.
Other than that everything seems as usual. Just taking things one day at a time! Until next time...
I have made a lot of progress on the baby shower coming up next month for Lindsey. I do believe it will be awesome. We are going to have a candy buffet like she wanted so that will be neat. I just hope it is to her approval.
The kids are getting soooo big! Ethan is like a little man now. He's 7 going on 30! Preston has been good every time he comes to the house. We got him his very own Kindle Fire for his birthday. He told me I was the coolest mom ever. That was a awesome feeling. Aiden Leigh in 2 going on 21! That Diva there is going to be the death of me. She is so dramatic here lately. I love it! She knows she is mamas baby! She gets away with everything! But she loves her Mardis more than me. Seth is her favorite person ever. She doesn't ask for me when I pick her up from school. She asks for Mardis, and then her Bubbe (Ethan). They don't miss a beat when they get together either. I hate it so much for all my kids that they don't have each other every day. It isn't how I wanted them to grow up. But I am thankful that they don't seem awkward with each other when they do finally get to all be together. Its an awesome feeling. I love hearing those 3 sets of feet running through the house. It has been an advantage with all this time off... seeing them all EVERY weekend rather than every other weekend.
Seth and I have crossed a path of trouble lately. But we have seemed to have worked it out and our relationship seems stronger now. I hope so anyway. I didn't realize exactly how much I loved that man until this bump in the road. I don't want to lose him. He's my everything. He's my soul mate. And I would be lost without him. He is the glue that holds me together and keeps me sane.
Other than that everything seems as usual. Just taking things one day at a time! Until next time...
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Ringing in the new year!
Okay so I didn't anticipate ringing in the new year like I did. I had to call an ambulance on the 1st because my back pain was so bad that I woke up and couldn't feel either one of my arms. Deja Vu all over again, just like my sister! And of course the Perry Bandaid Station gave me loratab and sent me home. The pain got worse throughout the night, so the next morning Seth took me to the ER at TMH. Well my ER visit turned into an MRI which turned into being admitting into the hospital to have surgery. I had two herniated disks in my neck. So those have been removed and a metal plate/bone graph and 6 screws have replaced them. All better now! Seth bought me a new Serta iComfort mattress for our bed and it is amazing!!!!
Now I'm just sitting at the house with nothing to do until I'm cleared to return to work. I've been crocheting a little, since I can't drive myself anywhere. It's going to be a long 5 weeks until my follow up appt. I've learned a lot about ppl since my surgery. You really see who cares and about you and who doesn't when something like this happens. It's sad really. People you would expect to text or call don't. People you expect to miss you at your day to day job don't. It really opens your eyes to the truth. And makes you re-evaluate your life.
I miss my kids a lot. I haven't seen them since Dec 28th. Its hard to get them since I can't lift them and I'm still taking these pain meds. Hopefully I will get to see them for a little while this weekend though. I think that would really make me feel better.
So I guess we will see what the rest of this year brings.
Now I'm just sitting at the house with nothing to do until I'm cleared to return to work. I've been crocheting a little, since I can't drive myself anywhere. It's going to be a long 5 weeks until my follow up appt. I've learned a lot about ppl since my surgery. You really see who cares and about you and who doesn't when something like this happens. It's sad really. People you would expect to text or call don't. People you expect to miss you at your day to day job don't. It really opens your eyes to the truth. And makes you re-evaluate your life.
I miss my kids a lot. I haven't seen them since Dec 28th. Its hard to get them since I can't lift them and I'm still taking these pain meds. Hopefully I will get to see them for a little while this weekend though. I think that would really make me feel better.
So I guess we will see what the rest of this year brings.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Welcome 2014
I haven't done anything with this blog since I created it. I don't think I really knew what to say or how to say it. 2013 was an interesting year for me. It had its ups and its down. The biggest obstacle I had to overcome this year was getting used to only seeing my kids every other weekend. It takes a big toll on you..... hearing those little footsteps down the hall everyday to only hearing them every other weekend. Its very heart wrenching. It took a lot of alcohol and a lot of anti depressants. The babies are growing so fast. I feel like I am missing so much. Ethan is 7, Preston will be 5 in a couple weeks, and Aiden Leigh will be 3 in July. Its feels like yesterday that I was in the hospital with Aiden. Now she is all grown up. She has the most beautiful flowing curly hair. Its depressing to think of what I am missing. But I know they are in good hands. Their daddy would never let anything happen to them. He has moved on in his life... he has found someone that is good for him. And she is good to my babies. And that's really all I can ask for. I know they are taken care of. As long as they don't forget mama. I wish I could change the way my schedule works. I would love to get them more often than I do. I feel like I am slowly disappearing out of their lives. I don't know how to make that feeling stop. I don't know that it ever will.
The upside to this year. I couldn't have for a better man to be my rock. He has held me together through all the good and bad this year. I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for him. I love him so very much. I don't think he truly understands just how much. But he will one day. I feel like we have grown so much this year. We are comfortable. And I hate that word. I think what I love the most is that he includes me in his decisions. There isn't anything he chooses to do without talking to me first. And that amazes me! I love being included in that. That just tells me he wants me to be a part of his life. Even if I can't provide him with his own kids.
And yes I think about that everyday. That one day he will wake up ready for kids of his own and leave. Yes, I think about it constantly. I wouldn't blame him at all if he left. That is something I can't provide him. And never will. But I can't live my life waiting for that day to come. I just have to live day to day and only hope for the best.
So I anticipate what 2014 will bring. A new year. A new start. Bring it!
Always!
The upside to this year. I couldn't have for a better man to be my rock. He has held me together through all the good and bad this year. I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for him. I love him so very much. I don't think he truly understands just how much. But he will one day. I feel like we have grown so much this year. We are comfortable. And I hate that word. I think what I love the most is that he includes me in his decisions. There isn't anything he chooses to do without talking to me first. And that amazes me! I love being included in that. That just tells me he wants me to be a part of his life. Even if I can't provide him with his own kids.
And yes I think about that everyday. That one day he will wake up ready for kids of his own and leave. Yes, I think about it constantly. I wouldn't blame him at all if he left. That is something I can't provide him. And never will. But I can't live my life waiting for that day to come. I just have to live day to day and only hope for the best.
So I anticipate what 2014 will bring. A new year. A new start. Bring it!
Always!
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