I feel like I need to dig a hole and bury myself in it! I never wanted to go through another divorce again. I never expected to go through another divorce again. He was suppose to be my knight in shining armor. He saved me during a bad place in my life and I thought that it would always be that way. I was wrong. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I don't know what to do with myself. How am I suppose to go to work and carry on like this devastating thing hasn't happened. Yes I am the one who told him to leave. Yes I have proof of why he needed too. But I feel so empty. I have this big whole in me now.
The part that bothers me the most is that I told myself I WOULD NEVER get married again. But I caved. I loved him so much, I thought nothing would ever go wrong. And here I sit...again...by myself. Wondering what I did wrong? What didn't I do? How can I do this by myself? What will I tell my 3 kids happened to their step dad who they admired so much? I'm at a loss. I just want to go to bed and stay there forever. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I have to be strong for my kids. I know that. But I'm tired of having to be so strong. I'm sick of being hurt. Maybe everyone is right... maybe I am better off alone.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
At A Stand Still
The title says it all! I feel like I am at a stand still in my life. I don't know whether I am coming or going....and that feeling is getting old. My heart hurts. I miss my kids! I thought the pain would get easier over time. It hasn't. We just hit the two year mark that they have been staying primarily with their dad. I know it was the best decision for them... but this mommy feels so broken. Now I am having to deal with my daughter calling her step mom "Mama"... and that my friends is like taking a dagger to the heart. I never in my life thought I could feel so much hurt. I understand that she is only three, but that word is going to cause me to go completely insane. It's so overwhelming to hear that one little word come out of her sweet mouth to someone other than me. Especially with what her daddy and I went through when she came into this world. I just can't fathom that he isn't even upset over it. I feel replaced in her life. *Sigh*
Still going strong at the Sheriffs Office as a dispatcher. 12-31-14 marked ten years for me there. That is a milestone in that place. Our common turnover is every two years. But that place is basically my home away from home, I feel safe there. Some of my co-workers and road officers are like family to me. I don't know that could ever leave that place because of them. Its been a rough ten years though.... that place makes me feel 20 years older than I am.
My birthday is coming up next week. The Big 29. My twin sister and I will be having a girls night out to celebrate together. I wish our older sister was here to join. Maybe we should go to G-ville and have her meet us for dinner. Hmmm. Just me and Jessie.
Not like I have a group of girlfriends that I hang with. Wish I did. A girls night once or twice a month would be nice. I know the few friends I so have are very busy people. With jobs and kids... I understand. But having a friend every now and then to talk to over dinner would be nice. Who am I kidding... I know I ain't the friend type. And even worse I get along better with my guy friends then I do females. And that doesn't look good to some people.
I'm to the point now though that I just don't care anymore. I don't walk on eggshells for anybody, and why should I start now. You know?
I feel so much better blogging this today. I needed to release all these feelings somewhere. I feel off. Not sure why. But I'm ready to get back to ME. The real ME. And that isn't a good thing. Because nobody likes the real me... I'm a real B*tch! Oh Well. I get it honest.
I'm tired of all the thoughts in my head. I can't sleep. Which isn't good as a night shifter. All these "What If" thoughts. What if I had taken this road and not that one? What if I had stayed in Tampa and finished school? What If? Where would I be now? Surely not in Perry. Oh Well. Till Next Time!
Still going strong at the Sheriffs Office as a dispatcher. 12-31-14 marked ten years for me there. That is a milestone in that place. Our common turnover is every two years. But that place is basically my home away from home, I feel safe there. Some of my co-workers and road officers are like family to me. I don't know that could ever leave that place because of them. Its been a rough ten years though.... that place makes me feel 20 years older than I am.
My birthday is coming up next week. The Big 29. My twin sister and I will be having a girls night out to celebrate together. I wish our older sister was here to join. Maybe we should go to G-ville and have her meet us for dinner. Hmmm. Just me and Jessie.
Not like I have a group of girlfriends that I hang with. Wish I did. A girls night once or twice a month would be nice. I know the few friends I so have are very busy people. With jobs and kids... I understand. But having a friend every now and then to talk to over dinner would be nice. Who am I kidding... I know I ain't the friend type. And even worse I get along better with my guy friends then I do females. And that doesn't look good to some people.
I'm to the point now though that I just don't care anymore. I don't walk on eggshells for anybody, and why should I start now. You know?
I feel so much better blogging this today. I needed to release all these feelings somewhere. I feel off. Not sure why. But I'm ready to get back to ME. The real ME. And that isn't a good thing. Because nobody likes the real me... I'm a real B*tch! Oh Well. I get it honest.
I'm tired of all the thoughts in my head. I can't sleep. Which isn't good as a night shifter. All these "What If" thoughts. What if I had taken this road and not that one? What if I had stayed in Tampa and finished school? What If? Where would I be now? Surely not in Perry. Oh Well. Till Next Time!
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